|
The
Humor Apex
|
|
[Misc Pictures] |
Is that redneck, or not? A real discussion on an e-mail list. The discussion was about the Redneck things that people have done. One guy writes "Drove to the exhaust shop with open headers after doing the V6 swap the first time.", to which a response was submitted "That is not Redneck, that's just plain fun." Sounds like Redneck's answer to EVERYTHING they do, doesn't it?
Oil Change instructions for Women vs instructions for Men Oil Change instructions for Women:
Oil Change instructions for Men:
What not to say to a police officer 1.
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) It had to happen sooner or later. I was driving home from Willow Springs tonight. I was pretty burnt from 2 days of rally and road racing and just cruising at about 60 on the 405 minding my own business. A primered Accord with clear tail lights and a big buzzy tip starts dicking with me. He revs and shoots ahead, slows revs again. It was the third Honda that tried to race me on the way home so I figured what the hell. The next time he slowed and was back along side I gunned it. We were dead even up to about 80 and then he started walking on me. We started approaching traffic and let off. Got around everyone and went for it again. This time I got a little jump but at 80 he was right there and walked away from me again. We both slowed and I gave him a big thumbs up. He was smiling from ear to ear with his conquest. I guess next time I go to race a Honda I should leave the two thousand pounds of tools and service equipment out of the van. The 460 ci Ford motor is a little tired these days and is worked enough by just pulling the race car and trailer along with the weight of the van. Add the tools and equipment and I'm a sitting duck for the Honda boys and they know it. FOOL PRESSURE CHART (For those who refuse to use a pressure gauge) Due to the fact that most technicians do not want to take the time to correctly test the fuel pressure, we have developed the following... With the engine running, either push the schrader valve in or loosen the fuel line THEN IF: Fuel does not come out of the test
area... Pressure is approx 0 psi VACUUM TEST "IDIO-ILLUMINATION"
CHART The bulb DOES NOT light The voltage is 0
- 1 volt IGNITION VOLTAGE OUTPUT TEST 1.Hold medium wrench in one hand, Sears wrench preferred for accuracy of test 'cause other smooth wrenches are too slick for throwin'! 2.With engine runnin', grab hold of the plug end of an ignition cable with the other hand and hold on tight! 3.This will more than likely cause you to throw wrench! KV output is based on how far the wrench wuz thrown! 10 feet = approx. 10,000 volts WARNING! No side effects have been
reported due to testing at this time (although it has been known to kill chiggers after
berry pickin') HOW TO TORQUE WITH AN IMPACT
WRENCH. Honest
Officer When the officer got up to the car, he told the driver that he clocked him at over 100MPH. When the driver gave the officer a look of relief, the officer said that if he could give him a good reason why he was going that fast he would let him go without a citation. So the driver said, "Well to tell the truth officer, my wife ran off with a Highway Patrolman and I thought it was you bringing her back." Uh, honey? From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head. Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey...Is dat you ? Come over here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?" DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running." Driver Courtesy A man comes out of a shopping mall to find the side of his parked car rammed in. Seeing a note under the windshield, he reads it. On the paper is written: As I'm writing this, about a dozen people are watching me. They think I'm giving you my name, phone number, and insurance company. But I'm not. Bumper sticker break : * Horn broken. Watch for finger. * Keep honking...I'm reloading. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the carton and contents of cardboard boxes delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and expensive new jackets. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop Rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer the intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your garage. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...." E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air, that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench, that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly.. Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119." More sticker fun : * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. * Caution: I drive like you do. * I brake for no apparent reason. |